Philosophy And Biscuits

trial and error

jay cake — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 19:16:27 +0000

So there I was, going through a court trial for assaulting and 2 old cranks. (I had nibbled a tea biscuit into the shape of a yacht, and they were rudely uninterested).Sitting in the dock listening to piles of kak, hearing the same sympathy mantra over and over, when I got the sudden urge for the world of buscuits. Luckily I had smuggled some rocky robins in the court and was able to have a sneaky munch when the judge was busy planning his latest rent boy liaison. Unfortunately I was found guilty of one of the assaults, but boy those rocky robins taste great anywhere.

To all you good people

jay cake — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:42:46 +0000

So there I was, outside, burning copies of the Andrew Lloyd webber songbook, when the door to door biscuit salesman arrived up the path. Now there’s a man with a good work ethic, I thought. Doing something worthwhile, delivering a nice product. It felt a shame to take his case of wares and tie him up, shoving him in the wheelie bin. But that I did, for I am only human. I adore ethics, which is above London and Thurrey. Ha ha. Hee hee. That was a great joke there by me. Anyway, as I say my friend, I admire anyone who works hard for a living. You deserve your cup of tea and chocomunch. It is only nice to honour those who deserve it. Such as when in tribute, McDonalds made Albert Einstein honourary employee of the month. So to all you people I say chin-chin and good luck. Just don’t go carrying biscuits openly in the street, around my way.

The Jaffa “Cake” Debate.

stevo — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 12:24:03 +0000

The age-old debate about whether a Jaffa Cake is indeed a cake or a biscuit has as I’ve recently learned been through Parliament.

It’s officially classed as a cake at the moment and therefore under a lower tax bracket than if it were a biscuit.

If the Government had their way it would be reclassed as a luxury biscuit(a biscuit wrapped and in a fancy box) and would therefore be taxable and the yummy little Jaffas would go up in price. So far though the Mcvities guys have managed to keep it classed as a cake.

Government 0 – Mcvities 1

They’re still smashing with a cuppa either way.

Who holds the record for the number of Jaffa cakes in their mouth at the one time?

The first time dunker

swoider — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 22:27:30 +0000

When entering into the exciting world of biscuit dunking it is important to build yourself up gradually. Start with soft, absorbant biscuits engineered specifically for dunking, the rich tea is an obvious choice, progress through the hob nob.

I had a friend once, virgin dunker by the name of Norman and his first time was with a ginger snap. Big mistake.

The ginger snap is of course a level 5 advanced dunker. Too short a dunk and the ginger snap remains rigid, a couple of seconds too long and you have a soggy mess in your tea. Years of experience and thousands of biscuits dunked have taught me that between 5 and 6 seconds is about the correct duration of dunk for a standard ginger snap.

Lacking this experience, Norman was over eager and dunked for just 2 seconds. We now call him Norman Nae Teeth, so please, be careful with ginger snaps and if you are unsure always seek professional advice.

The lack of public phones

jay cake — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:09:40 +0000

As I write this, a man has been run over by a car outside and is lying unconscious in the street. I will take him some tea and biscuits as soon as I tell you about my own mishap. It was back when I was a rookie biscuit eater, and sat on my KitKat, breaking it uncleanly. However when I phoned the ambulance, they wouldn’t even come out to put it in a proper splint. I was furious. But the switchboard moron was obviously a biscuit hater ( Which should be classed as a form of Hate crime if you ask me).

So now I get my revenge by raising false alarms and such. I do this from public phone boxes of course, but the lack of public phones is a disgrace. The government has not got joined up thinking. Now, back to the casualty outside. lets see, I’ll make him tea with a star of chocolate fingers on a saucer. All on a nice tray. Milk, sugar the lot.

The puzzle box

jay cake — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:26:15 +0000

Okay imagine the scene. You find yourself in a room with a box. A sinister voice says “open the box”. Inside you see a biscuit. The voice says “If you eat this, then a random stranger will die” Do you eat the biscuit?It would be hard not to, I suppose. Unless it was a pink wafer(which I would just nibble and let the stranger be maimed for life). But if it was a Rocky Robin, I’d scoff it and say “mm..any more people you want dead?”

Now spookily,’What Biscuit’ magazine tested the new Euroshopper chocolate bars, great value at 44p. At my local shop, these very bars are kept in a box. Makes you think.

Its the dog’s biscuits!

jay cake — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 19:15:27 +0000

So there I was at the Kelvingrove Art Galleries, trying to steal money from the donations box. When challenged, I simply said it was conceptual art and got a ripple of applause. So afterwards I was ready to be replenished by the world of biscuit. But I had none on me. Outside I saw a dog owner feeding her mutt some dog biscuits. It was quite easy to persuade her to give me them. “And the rest!” I said pointing to the ones in her hand. So there I sat and enjoyed my munch in full view of the Galleries. It is a splendid building. Built in 1901.

The parable of the eroded pink wafer

jay cake — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 13:07:59 +0000

As you know, when you are a guest at someone’s house it is standard etiqette to eat at least one of the scabby pink wafers from the biscuit tin, (to avoid accusiations of being a choco-hogger)then with clear conscience, one can munch of the chocolate tempties.

However I recall one of the worst moments of my life. I was 11 and invited to a cup of tea with a catholic family. On entering their abode, I politely igonored the religious regalia as the trappings of retards. I endured the pre-munch small talk until the main event, when the mother person approached me with cup and saucer. All standard so far (but points off the the overhang thumb style).

But to my sheer horror there was only one pink wafer on offer. And It was also eroded at one corner.Incredulously I stared at it. Furious at being denied my human right. I sat aghast as if the orange walk had rerouted through my toilet with me sitting there.

Thoughts of vengence were there. For I am human. I considered nailing the family to the wall and setting fire to the street. But with tears welling I ate it and it was quite nice because they are always tastier than you think, But the point is – why should I have to experience catholic non-chocolate piety?

There is no lesson to learn from God here, as I have never gotten over it. This is a flaw in god’s lesson plan. I tried the support group P.o.s.p.e.w (people offered a single pink eroded wafer), but to no avail.

Has this left a bitter taste in my mouth? If only.

The prodigal son…..

stevo — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 11:49:56 +0000

I’m back! With a shiny new username. The King of Bebo no longer applies as I have been relegated to the Queen Mother of Bebo .

Let the cheek and nonsense begin……..

The wispa is back for good

swoider — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 22:40:52 +0000

As the site has been down for so long I was scanning through old posts and came across this one on the return of the wispa. Glad to see that the campaign worked as nearly 2 years after that post I was this morning munching on a beautifully light and bubbly wispa with my 11 o’ clock cup of tea.

My mid morning cuppa would just not be the same if I had to substitute my Wispa with an Aero, Nestle’s pretender to the bubbly chocolate throne. So cheers to all my fellow Wispa lovers out there.