Marks & Spencer Dutch Shortcake
19 September 2007It’s not often I get the chance to shop at Marks & Spencer. I’m more of a Smart Price man, indeed I’ve been known to pick up a discounted Smart Price product from the Oops basket, which really is the lowest of the low.
This week however, feeling flush (OK, they take cheques) I decided to buck the trend and visited the Marks food hall in Byres Road, Glasgow. Attentive shoppers will be aware that Marks & Spencer are incredibly xenophobic and do not carry any other brands, not even Mars Bars or Curly Wurly’s. Everything, with the exception of newspapers and magazines, is Marks & Spencer’s own brand.
As I made my way down the regular aisles: - fruit & veg (I’ll crack the jokes), meat products, dairy products I felt a well of excitement growing as, for once, when it came to my favourite aisle, that of biscuits, I would be walking into unknown territory. As I turned the corner, it was to my disappointment, that I spotted the usual suspects: - Digestives, Ginger Snaps, Tea Biscuits, all be it cleverly disguised in Marks and Spencer jacket and tie. Suddenly, like a shining beacon I spotted them…
Marks & Spencer Dutch Shortcake.
Not just shortcake, but Dutch Shortcake. Shortcake, I reasoned, which originated in Holland. With a nervous excitement I read the teaser on the resplendent green and chocolate coloured packaging: -
“Dutch Shortcake - Dutch style piped crisp shortcake dippped in rich belgian milk chocolate.”
Now why did I not see this on the TV ads? A look on the side and the confirmation was there, “Made in the Netherlands”, this was the real deal. Not your faux Dutch, not Marks and Spencer. This shortcake had been hand crafted by a beautiful dutch maid, perhaps in a windmill, almost certainly wearing clogs.
As if I needed any more encouragement, the picture on the front sells the shortcake to me, and I bask in its simple glory. “Serving Suggestion” Marks helpfully tell me, a vision of 6 beautiful short cake swirls, half coated in belgian chocolate. Truly a thing of beauty.
The price I will gloss over for now, for a biscuit experience of this kind cannot be measured in simple money. I anticipate this will be my biscuit Shangri-La.
Which brings me to today, patient reader. I have in front of me the virgin biscuits, innocent and untouched in their packaging. Though it feels a crime to violate an item of such beauty my tea grows colder by the second and the time is nigh.
Slowly I remove the biscuits from their packaging, pausing to breathe their sweet, sweet aroma for the first time. I notice they are held on a tray of corrugated card, layered in 3s, 9 to the pack. Carefully I remove a biscuit from the packaging. Like a bird, encouraging her young to leave the nest for the first time I coax it to leave its brothers and sisters behind.
And now the moment of truth. The first bite of shortcake crumbles and melts in my mouth, perfectly baked. I turn the biscuit round and try the chocolate coated side. And there we have it ladies and gentlemen, biscuit Nirvana. The biscuit proceeds to pass the dunk test with flying colours, retaining shape and warming gently in the tea.
Marks & Spencer may well have introduced a new pretender to the crown of biscuit king. Bravo, 10 out of 10.
Sadly, it’s back to Smart Price Rich Tea biscuits next week though 
on September 23rd, 2007 at 7:48 pm
dear thingmy,
Have you made an incursion into madness? Awarding 10 out of 10 to the Dutch shortcake? Controversial with jam on it! Such youthfull wrecklessness betrays your immaturity. You being a biscuit lover; I would have credited you with above average intelligence. But the “perfect 10″ to the dutch shortcake! ?
Such an abstraction of perfection is downright illogical. How can any bicuity item however gorgeous achieve the full mark? All experience is subjective (see Satre and Vanini). I mean, had you eaten the said biscuit whilst being massaged by a beauty like Carol Vorderman or Terry Venebles, would the score have gone up to eleven? Or winning the lottery whilst being pleasured by Jessca Rabbit, would the score reach 12?
Such perfectamundo ascribingtons to the dutch shortcake call into question your fundamental “shoeness”. good day sir.
on September 23rd, 2007 at 7:51 pm
I’m sorry but I just cant let this lie.
I mean 10 out of 10?
on September 23rd, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Yes, I concede the point and perhaps on reflection I was a little premature in my awarding of the full 10 points.
Understand though, that at the time I was completely engulfed in a wave of biscuit euphoria. I am sure you are well aware of the kind.
At such times it is hard to take a step back and be objective.
I will adjust my score accordingly and award the Marks and Spencer Dutch Shortcake a 9, putting it in such high company as the Chocolate Digestive and the Hob Nob.
on September 25th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
The weetabix. Now, is it a buscuit? Technically its name implies it is, but would you sit with a cup of tea munching on one?
Mind you, the chocolate covered weetabix sounds nice for breakfast. A new product line, perhaps.
Jean Paul Satre would have discarded all that existentialist nonsense if he’d had that for breakfast. Yum.
on September 25th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
The recent weetabix advertising campaign (”now on weetabix”) suggests that they are trying to promote the product as more than just a breakfast cereal.
Weetabix with banana sans milk, weetabix with ice cream, weetabix with chocolate sauce. An any time product, perfect for a quick nutritious snack. Whether this qualifies the weetabix as a biscuit though I am unsure. As you say, the acid test is whether you would you choose weetabix to accompany your tea? I venture no.
on September 25th, 2007 at 3:15 pm
It would certainly be found in the breakfast cereal section in your local supermarket. Does this mean it can be classed as both. Look at the common Twix as an example. Often found in many a biscuit barrel but can be found in the confectionary section in your local newsagents.
on September 25th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
The Twix question, confectionary or biscuit is one of *the* great questions that has troubled many a great mind through the decades. Alas, I do not have the answer, but I will continue to search.
on September 25th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
The twix is betwixt a biscuit and a confectionary.
Maybe that’s how they came up with the name.
As sheakespeare said ‘what is in a name?’ The answer is letters; vowels and consonants. Unless you are a number, like 007.
on September 25th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
So what would be the better name for it then, a Confiscuit or a Bisectionary?
on September 25th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Would I be opening up a can of worms if I was to utter the words “Kit Kat”…
on September 26th, 2007 at 9:58 am
I know a guy who’s favourite biscuit is the rusk. I’m wondering if I should report him.
on September 26th, 2007 at 10:35 am
I have a biscuit related story.
When I was a student, I donated sperm at a fertility clinic for cash(so I could afford a prostitute). Whilst waiting for my shot,I was given tea and biscuits.In the donation room I was offered erotic magazines to help me along, but I ignored them and just spied on the nurses through the keyhole. However, throughout the ‘event’ I couldn’t wait to get back to my mint club. I never bite the chocolate edges off like the common biscuit eater.
on September 26th, 2007 at 11:10 am
You see that’s just plain wrong. The whole point of the mint club is the mingle of chocolate, biscuit and white minty filling. Otherwise it defeats the purpose of it being a mint, chocolate biscuit and becomes 3 seperate entities.
Don’t even get me started on people who eat mars bars *that way*.
on September 26th, 2007 at 11:57 am
I prefer Orange Clubs, although they do tend to polarise opinion somewhat. A bit live Marmite and Coffee Revels.
I’m also partial to a fruit club. I do like a lot of chocolate on my biscuit, however, the Double chocolate club is a step too far.
on September 26th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Mixing milk and dark chocolate on a confiscuit reminds me of john Locke’s explanation of meaning: that language and thoughts are separate entities and not reliant on each other. However he was a garibaldi fan, and didn’t have much of a clue.
on September 26th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
A Garibaldi is a dead fly sandwich.
That is all.
on September 27th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Most people break kit kats by separating the fingers. I break kit kats in the other direction, in two big chunks. It sure impresses the burds. They know they want it.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Do that with the 4 fingered variety and then I’ll be Impressed.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:19 am
I cut across them diagonally with a knife, separating them into 3 kit kat triangles.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:23 am
There’s a specific gizmo from Argos you can buy to build up the finger strength.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:42 am
I eat kit kats whole. I’m hard me.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:47 am
well I’m building up to breaking a ginger snap with ONE HAND.
on September 27th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Sadly I am so weak that I have to soften my digestive in my tea before I can bite into it. I once tried to go out for a walk, but I was knocked over by a gust of light wind. South Easternly I think it was.
on September 27th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Sounds like you aren’t eating enough man biscuits like the tunnock caramel log
on September 27th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
A man biscuit like the Lionel Richtea?
on September 27th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
I want to withdraw my remark about breaking a ginger snap with one hand. It was the drink talking.
Also, the penguin biscuit; is disappointing, almost a chore. Its not worth it. Well I say survival of the fittest and let it die. Yes, I am a biscuit fascist.
on September 27th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
I c-c-c-c-c-c-an’t believe you’d say that about the p-p-p-p-p-penguin.
on September 27th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
While we’re on the subject of crap biscuits, there is no point to pink wafers. Their existence is meaningless.
on September 28th, 2007 at 10:44 am
ah but all existence is meaningless. and the pink wafer is meaningless within greater meaninglessness. A bit like chris de Burgh.
As the poem goes:
If I had to choose between grief and nothing, I would choose grief.(or the garibaldi)
The pppenguin is such a let down. Its too unchocolately “would you like a penguin with your tea?” oh great thanks. Got any teacakes instead you ponse?
on September 28th, 2007 at 11:09 am
Ah, but to paraphrase William Faulkner: -
Given the choice between a penguin and nothing, I would choose the penguin.
on September 28th, 2007 at 11:14 am
One of the worst experiences of my childhood was finding out that penguin bars aren’t actually made from real penguins. In fact, believe it or not, they don’t even contain penguin extract.
Ah well at least I can take comfort in knowing the Easter Bunny is real.
on September 28th, 2007 at 11:47 am
and I went back to a shop complaining that their dog biscuits didn’t contain real dog. The staff were really helpful.
on September 28th, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Do dog biscuits count as biscuits? Would you have them with your tea? They certainly are not found in the confectionary section in ASDA
on September 28th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
no, but they are at Lidl.
on September 30th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
yo yo yo aragon was once again healthy a good allround performance by the jack-face. hi everyone see my bigbro scored a hat-trick at the weekend wot a guy.shortly wee ronnie just shouted me for sausage n mash cant beat it
on October 1st, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Did you know the biscuit was named after the Earl of Biscuit, who died and left the recipe for biscuits.
on May 22nd, 2008 at 10:41 am
Do they still make Trio biscuits? I used to really really love those.